If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
a search helicopter?!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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