where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
