I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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