Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
