is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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