You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize