i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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