i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
organizing the empties. That sober.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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