I want to make a zoo with you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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