I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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