I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
