I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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