I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
