So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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