Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
