I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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