No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
