I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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