so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize