I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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