I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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