remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
