pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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