i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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