So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
