i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
