Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
