And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize