Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
