Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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