where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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