I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
