Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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