i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
