I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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