you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
