I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You did what with his pubic hair?
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