i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
