i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
