we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
