So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
