so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
