He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
