No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
