Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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