Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
