I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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