Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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