you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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