So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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