he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
