just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
