First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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