Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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