Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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