just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
well most of my day revolves around power hour
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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