A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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