Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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