Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize