My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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