Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I look better un-naked...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
