he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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