I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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