Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
