Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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