so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
