I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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