Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
