I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
