I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
