Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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