You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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